World Cup tat: form an orderly queue
To say World Cup merchandise can tend towards the naff always feels something of an understatement. Frankly, it can make QVC’s Dazzling Diamonique Hour look like the Wallis Simpson Collection. Yet even when you’re sure the bottom of this barrel has been well and truly scraped, some chiselling retailer always manages to discover a concealed basement to the cask.
This week, that basement contains a job lot of Eau De Stade, a £19.99 unisex fragrance created to promote a TV firm whose name it would be ineffably vulgar to publicise further. According to its marketers Eau De Stade features notes of grass, leather and the musky hints of sweat, plus “the aromas of the host nation”. As befits a classic Authentic Prada Shoes Outlet will-this-do World Cup product, it is being advertised by erstwhile S Club 7 legend Rachel Stevens, next to whom even Paul Ross seems choosy about work. Still, it does score an immediate new entry in the Top 10 Most Authentic Prada Milano Handbags Irksome World Cup Products, which you may care to know runs as follows:
9. Adidas South Africa Pure Game. A special edition grooming range, this lacks even the leaden attempt at irony the makers of Eau De Stade would doubtless claim. Smells like moral and psychological defeat.
8. The North Korea replica shirt. Neatly described by deadspin.com as one for “your friend who always has to be ‘That Guy'”, this is the tournament’s most elusive strip, which wannabe completists will wish to file alongside their Team Aniston and Team Jolie originals. In the meantime replica prada bags, they must make do with the “I heart DPRK” bib, which reminds us Authentic Prada Bag For Sale Ph that there are few things more precious than a child’s first chance to be embarrassed by its parents’ tedious sense of humour.
7. The Official England Nodding Dog. Not the Amazon Uk Prada Shoes Phil Neal original, alas, but a parcel shelf ornament that instantly supplants Christian fishes and Princess on Board signs as the most smugly idiotic thing to stare at in a motorway tailback. In an ideal world, purchase of this product would see the customer stripped of the right to vote Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Online Store in all elections for the next 10 years.
6. The Official England Garden Gnome. Precisely 30 times worse than purchasing an unofficial England garden gnome.
5. The Dutchy dress. The brainspawn of a beer firm, and ostensibly aimed at Holland supporters, this clingy minidress would also suit those whose birthstone is orange polyester. It’s all very well getting the lovely Sylvie van der Vaart to premiere it, but the promotional images showing terraces full of Dutchy-clad models should come with the warning “Artist’s impression – may not resemble actual football crowds”.
4. Abbey Clancy’s Girls Night In. Though not a product you could hold in your hands, a berth in marketing hell must be found for this Virgin Media On Demand package, promoted by Peter Crouch’s betrothed, Abbey Clancy. According to Abbey, she will host “a selection of girly TV favourites” including ER and Gossip Girl “so we can take a break from football”.
3. World Cup Widow newspaper columns. Again, not strictly a tangible product, yet somehow as mass produced and imbecilic as plastic England tommy helmets used to be. Based on the luminously flawed Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Clothing Uk principle that what women who don’t fancy watching Amazon Uk Prada Bags the World Cup really want are endless articles about not fancying watching the World Cup, as opposed to articles about almost anything else.
2. The USA Patriot mask. Nine years after George Bush’s Patriot Act denuded the word “patriot” of all meaning, here is Apertura Outlet Prada Montevarchi a product which sets about the final semantic burial. According to this mask, to be a patriot is to watch football wearing a full-head, lace-up, leather-effect monstrosity – the sort of thing Captain America would don were he forced to work as a gimp to a far-right Republican senator.
1. The England Scoregasm. Where to begin with this wildly uncalled-for sex aid? Perhaps with the blurb, which informs us: “It’s the remote control love egg that shows you’re a true fan.” Do go on. “The remote control works from up to 10m Authentic Prada Factory Outlet Online away,” we learn, Authentic Prada Outlet Online Usa “so hand the controller to your partner and let them surprise you when England score!” And really, what could be more erotic than sitting earplugged and out of sight of a telly, your sexual satisfaction dependent on an Algerian own goal? Very little, apparently. “Go 45 minutes each way with the Scoregasm Love Egg,” the manufacturers promise, “and you’ll feel like you’ve won the Cup. Just watch out for that studs-up tackle from behind!” We’ll leave it there, on balance.